Mother’s Day for Those with Unloving Mothers

1. We begin with truth.

For a long time, I felt such anger toward my mom, largely because I wanted something I now know she’s incapable of giving—true relationship. This realization allowed me to evaluate my emotions and behavior. My failure to accept my mom for who she truly was, in short, to accept reality, had caused much of my inner turmoil.

I couldn’t force her to love or engage with me, no matter how hard I tried. I had zero control regarding how she responded. I did, however have full control over myself. I could choose to heal and develop healthier relationship patterns or remain stuck in our dysfunction. Through prayer, I realized I needed to give myself time to process and discern how God wanted me to respond. I also stopped taking ownership for her actions and reactions. In other words, her rejection wasn’t because I was a bad person or lacked worth. She simply wasn’t capable of loving me well.

Initially, I found this perplexing. Scripture told me to seek peace and said I’d been given the ministry of reconciliation. Didn’t that mean all my relationships should be strong?

In a perfect world, perhaps. But our world is broken and tainted by sin. There are those who actively choose to rebel against God’s ways. If people refuse our Savior’s reconciliation attempts, we can assume some will refuse ours as well. Our greatest and purest efforts might come to naught. God reminded me of this truth by pointing me to Romans 12:18, which says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

“If it is possible,” because reconciliation and peace isn’t always possible. “As far as it depends on you,” because relational health doesn’t depend solely on us. We’re responsible for our part, and our part alone.

I also realized that God would provide for my emotional needs. He showed me this in such a powerful way about seven years ago. After pursuing a publishing career for nearly a decade, I’d finally landed a contract and was celebrating the release of my first book. This felt like a monumental moment, similar to a college graduation. But my mom appeared to have zero interest, not just in the new release, but really, in my life. Her silence during such a special time, and countless other similar situations, proved this. While on a prayer walk, I poured my heart out to God, stating, “I don’t have a family.” Almost instantly, my phone lit up with congratulatory texts from older women in my church, and I sensed God saying to me, “You do have family. I’ve given you many mothers.”